#include 

#include 

#include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */

#include  /* for the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_shipanother_beta_version

void main()

    {

    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)

        {

        if (there_are_still_bugs)

        market(bugfix);

        if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

        raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

    }

    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)

        {

        make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in

        lie.h */

        if (rumours_grow_wilder)

        make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

        if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

            {

            market_time=ripe;

            say("It will be ready in one month);

            order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

            order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);

            order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);

            vapourware=TRUE;

            break;

        }

    }

    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

        {

        case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:

        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");

        break;

        case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

        say("Yes it will work");

        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

        pretend(there_is_no_problem);

        break;

        case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"

        " the 32 bits architecture");

        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

        "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");

        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");

        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

        break;

        case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for

        everyone");

        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

        when(time_is_ripe)

            {

            arrest(journalist);

            brainwash(journalist);

            when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

                {

                order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");

                release (journalist);

            }

        }

        break;

    }

    while (vapourware)

        {

        introduction_date++; /* Delay */

        if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

        break;

        say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

    }

    release(beta_version)

    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

        {

        bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;

        release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);

        introduce(more_memory_requirements);

        if (customers_report_installation_problems)

            {

            say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");

            if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

                {

                ignore(customer);

                order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this

                bastard");

            }

        }

        if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )

            {

            divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);

            wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

            marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

            devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

            if (boobies_start_to_hang)

            dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

        }

        if (there_is_another_company)

            {

            steal(their_ideas);

            accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);

            hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */

            wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

            buy_out(other_company);

        }

    }

    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at

    us */

    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);

    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

    laugh_at(everyone,

    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}

void bugfix(void)

    {

    charge (a_lot_of_money)

    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

    if (still_complaints)

        {

        ignore(customer);

        register(customer, big_Bill_book);

        /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

    }

}